Sunday, February 3, 2013

Back To School At 36 years old



BLURBS OF MY LIFETIME STORY






Hello my most faithful and valued readers!  Yes, it has been a while and I am slowly finding my way back.  We have started a New Year and forever grateful I am to amongst the living!  I started this Blog back in April 2012 but never got a chance to finish it.  My life has been busy, challenging and with more ups then downs this year.  Through God, I am learning how to overcome and suppress the things that I cannot change.  Trust me it has not been easy.  I woke up this morning with so much to be Thankful for!  I am Blessed to have positive surroundings, loving people in my life and God to keep me focus. 

Today I will not be blogging about delicious food recipes.  Yet, I have an even better recipe!  A few recipes on how to concur your fears, delete your doubts and pack away your despairs.  I want to share with you pieces of my life outside of the kitchen and what make me who I am today! 

This was my FaceBook status this morning:

"Success doesn't mean never failing or never hitting rock bottom. Success is turning rock-bottom into a foundation that starts building a new you! I still have a long journey ahead of me and I am not scared of those pits awaiting me because I am a climber! And those pits along the way that I am unable to climb out of by myself, I have some great faithful friends and family up top with a rope ready to pull me back up! Thankful and Purposed!"

For the New Year (2012) I have decided that I was going to stop procrastinating and start getting my life back!  After all the things I have been through in my life, I have never been a quitter!  All the things that I would tell myself why I could not proceed with my dreams were nonsense.  First it was, I can't go back to school because my children needed me and I needed to work.  Hmmmmm…well that was the case when I went to Kaplan University and graduated with my Associates Degree and I had children then.  Then it was how will I fit it all in my busy schedule and still be a good mother to my children.  I had to dismissed that as well because isn't part of being a good mother is being a positive role model?  This is my third term at Point Park University.  It has been truly a struggle going back to school, working full-time and raising two beautiful young ladies by myself.  One of my biggest challenges is dealing with a teenager who thinks she has it all figured out!  Lord!  Lord!  Lord!  SMH!  Oh my what a challenge!  This too shall pass.  One thing that kept me going is knowing that I have done all that I can to provide for my family.  I may not have much but I have plenty of love to give and that's the best thing one person could have in life.  I have instilled in my children the tools to be successful in life.  How they choose to use them is up to them.  All I can do is guide them down the right path.  I am going to share my story with you in blurbs just to highlight some important moments in my life that I've overcame. 

 
 (Getting my studying on!)

You see, I lost my sister, mother figure, my idol, my role model and best friend on April 5, 1995 (May she R.I.P. (Sabrina Lee (Alexander) Boyd).  My sister was only 27 years old.  It was such a tragic death, which I rather not mention at this time.  My whole world shut down around me on this day and I felt so alone.  I was a lost, lonely and scared 19 years old.  Oh, you could not tell that from the outside.  That was forbidden for me to expose that I was WEAK!  Oh no, not the Jill that everyone knew.  I felt that no one could understand what I was going through so I turned to my old dear friend, alcohol!  Yeah, it was not a pretty sight.  My trust for anyone went out the door.  I could barely breathe and didn't care about living either.  I wanted to join my sister.  SMH!  I know now that that was wrong and God had much more in store for me.  What kept me going was my sister's three beautiful children but they still didn't steer me away for the devils water.  Well I should say, I would not allow it.  I was in denial that a problem was present.  Yet, through it all I still survived.  I miss her so much and wonder what my life would be like today if she was still here with us.  I just thank God that alcohol and marijuana was my only temporary fix to my emptiness.  So when I look back and ask myself where would I be today…WHEW!!!  I am right where I want to be!  A survivor!  Oh, the road was rocky but I made it!  Thanks to some real friends who had patients to deal with my ignorance at that time I pulled through! 

 
 (My sister whom I miss dearly and her beautiful children above.)


Oh yeah, God sent another Blessing to me, my niece, Traviseena Sabrina Taloni McCleod (whom I call Sabrina).  At the time I thought, at 22 years old, what in the hell was I going to do with a baby?  I was living my prime time.  No kids, on my own, a good job, going to school, legal to drink and party!  Huh?  OK God, what now?  I don't know how to be anyone's  mother and I am not ready to grow up!  Well that was an understatement!  Sabrina changed my chain of thoughts and set me on a new path.  Ha, 15 years later, look at me now!  I still have a lot to learn but I did a great job for someone who did not have a clue on how to be a mother.  Shoot, I am still learning!  I am leaving it in God's hands and trust that she will find her way back on the right path.  I will be there to comfort her and help her pick up the pieces. 

Of course, in between that time, 4 and 1/2 years later, God sent me another Blessing.  I had a baby girl, Jazmire Lavona Yeyo, at the age of 26, which was not a planned pregnancy.  When I found out I was pregnant I was just  laid off from my job of 5 years, had to move out of my place and had no place to go.  At the time I said, OK God, what in the hell!  How am I going to raise two children with no help?  At the time, Jazmire's father was a good provider but he did not have a job.  Hmmmm…shall I say, not a job with benefits!  SMH!  Once again, I felt a lone and scared.  My life was flashing right before my eyes.  This was not how I envisioned my life to be.   I was 5 months pregnant with Jazzie when 9/11 happened.  I was terrified!  This had to be that worse feeling ever!  Right then I knew I had to snap out of this depression and move my ass!  I had to shake off the BS and snap into reality.  Waddling in self-pity never helped nobody!  I called my friend, Carmen, in Ohio and told her I was moving back.  I took the last of my savings, rented a car, and off to OH I went to make seek for some relief.  I was about 7 months at this time.  My mom and dad frowned at the idea of me traveling alone pregnant and with a small child.  I was determined to make some sense out of what was going on in my life.  There I was, 7 months pregnant, going on interviews and looking for a place to call home.  The drive back to NYC was horrible!  It was a bad snow blizzard…you could barely see the road.  God guided us back home.  Two weeks later, I rented a minivan for Carmen and her boyfriend to come get us and drive us to OH.  God Bless Carmen for providing us a place to stay until we find a place.  Oh, it was something else!  LOL!  After being unsuccessful with finding someone to hire a very pregnant woman, Carmen and I came up with this crazy story, and the Salvation Army took us in until my apartment was ready for us to move in.  SMH!  I was thankful that I was still getting unemployment and help from Jazmire's dad to support us.  Two months later, I was in labor and once again, scared and alone. 

This is funny now but it wasn't back then.  It took them 5 hours to get me in that operating room.  You see, I wanted to have a natural birth but I was dehydrated, blood pressure was high and I had a fever so that was not going to happen.  So a C-Section it was going to be.  I cried and pleaded with them that I could not have this baby alone and that I needed to call my baby father.  One of my doctors gave me her phone to use.  I could not get through so the doctor asked for the number so she can try.  I told her the number and she replied, "Where are you trying to call?"  I said NY and she was so angry!  She called started screaming and yelling at me saying, "LUREENA!  We do not have time for you to wait for no one to come all the way in from NYC!  Are you crazy?  Do you want to lose your baby and your life?  Now get your ass on this table so we can do our job!"  OMG!  And yes, she actually cursed at me!  I immediately stopped crying and followed her instructions.  My bundle of joy was born.  Yup, I was alone then too.  Her dad showed a day later!  Yes, we struggled then too and more lessons learned.  Too many to even began to explain. 

(My two Angels!  I believe Jazmire was 3 months and Sabrina was 4 years old at this time.)

I did finally get out of the shelter and move into our new home.  Tried to work things out with my baby father so we can have a two parent household but that didn't work.  He did not want a real job and I'd be damned if I was going to be working every day while you sit home on your ass!  He had to go…I can do bad by my damn self!  So there I was with a 4 year old and a 4 month old to raise by myself.  That too passed as well!  I was working full-time, going to school full-time and raising two children.  Purposed!  After my apartment was broken into, along with more BS, I moved back to NYC.  Yet, feeling displaced, alone and scared all over again. 

The girls and I had to go to a shelter again.  One night I cried myself to sleep silently while lying in bed.  I just could not believe that I was in this situation again.  My sister came to me in a dream as someone else one night.  She said, "Listen up sis!  You are not alone and there is no need to be ashamed.  You have not failed your children and this battle is not yours.  Now go be the woman that I know and have faith."  I woke the next morning and thought, "Shit, I'm in a shelter!  If I haven't lost this battle and it's not mines, who the f**k battle is it"?  I felt like I have failed my children and was so depressed!  I was still going to school online for my Associates Degree in Legal Studies, trying to find a job, and doing my mother duties.  Nothing my friends said mattered…I felt like a piece of s**t.  Depression started settling in deeper and deeper.  I went from having everything to hitting rock bottom.  Seem like I kept reliving the same nightmare over and over again.  I went into the bathroom every night to hide my tears from my girls after I helped them with their homework and made dinner.  That became my pattern for the next few years.  After a few months in the shelter, I found us an one bedroom apartment.  That was all I could get at the time without a job.  I continued to look for work and kept coming up empty.  I began to distant myself from the world.  I mean, I didn't have any money, couldn't afford to look my best, couldn't do the things I once enjoyed doing and I damn sure wasn't trying to be anyone's charity case!  I refused to except anything for anyone or ask anyone for help.  I was truly embarrassed and disguised with myself.  I was so use to be the one giving and helping that I didn't know how to ask for help.  PRIDE!  Sometimes too much of that will bring you down.  Ha, who was I fooling!  I needed somebody in my life!  My closest friends did not give up on me even though I kept pushing them away.  The wake-up call was when my father did a surprise visit.  Seeing the pain in his eyes really hurt me.  We didn't have much food to eat, I looked a mess and although I was trying my best to hide the pain through my laughter and smiles…he saw right through it!  We were not starving or anything but he knew that was not the way I lived and he sure wasn't the way I was raised!  He said, "Baby girl, you know I love you right and you know you can come to me for anything right?"  I could not reply with nothing but tears.  I felt I failed him as well.  He took me in his arms, didn't say another words for what seemed like forever and just held me.  He told me to get the kids and myself dress.  We came back home with groceries and a heap of other stuff.  Before he left he told me, "Don't you ever sit up in here like this again!  You may feel like you don't have anyone and that you are unloved right now.  I don't know what you are going through because you keep to yourself all the time.  YOU ARE LOVED!  DO YOU HEAR ME?!"  All I could do was shake my head yes and cry like a baby.  After he left, I went right back to the same routine, depression, until finally, my friends said enough was enough!  Long story short…they pulled me through.  I realize that we all need somebody and it wasn't about being a charity case.  Through all of this, I did find someone I thought I could trust again.  Turned out that his definition of love wasn't for my children and I.  I don't need someone to control me…I control my own destiny!  You see, I have too much pride to let someone dictate my life.  Although I was depressed, felt down, inherited trust issues and all, I knew one thing deep down inside!  I AM A STRONG BLACK WOMAN!  My MOTTO is "I was born and leader so therefore I don't know how to follow."  Damned to those who use your hurt and pain against you.  There are some cruel people in the world.  I was happy to close that chapter of my life and move on. 

(This is the man in my life (my dad). 2009)


Anyway, throughout all my good and bad experiences in life, my two beautiful children smiles and love guided me through it all!  I will tell you this…there is truth in the saying, "Be careful who you share your weaknesses with.  Some people can't wait for the opportunity to use them against you."  Some tried and failed!!!   That was my whole reason for distancing myself for people because I knew I was at my weakest moment.  From then and on, I vowed to let anyone take my joy from me ever again. 

(I can't believe how fast the years has gone by!)

You cannot choose your family but you can choose your circle.  My circle consists of people who has never let me down and is always around.  Near or far I can always count on them.  When I began to beat myself up for all the wrongs I felt I have done, they build me back up by reminding me of all the rights I have done and how much I have accomplished.  Not only do they pray for me but with me as well.  I let some in and leave a lot of others out.  I never want to go back to that depression stage again.  I thank God for the people he has brought into my life over the years.  Although Blood is thicken then water, I have a few non-blood related people in my life who are more loving and faithful than some of my family.  Therefore, in my book that makes them my family.  I truly love you guys to pieces.  Those of you who stood and continue to stand beside me I am forever grateful.  As for the others, I will never acknowledge them.  Anyone who only want to see someone fail, I feel sorry for you and I will not waste my energy on ignorance. 

 
I am not doing 100 percent in school or in my life right now but I am in it to win it!  I have a lot on my plate right now but you know what, I am going to get pass those too.  I do believe that anything worth having is worth fighting for.  I could have been anywhere yet, I am here!  A proud mother I am of two beautiful young ladies, 11 and 15 years old.  They are my world and work keeps me going.  We got each other backs through thick and thin.  I could not ask for anything better than that!  I am proud of my lil divas.  Sabrina has so much talent and I hope she gets back on track soon.  Jazmire is doing extremely well in school.  I can't complain!  Currently I am planning my move to Charlotte, NC to be closer to my father and family.  I haven't seen my dad since by back surgery in 2009.  He came to be with me during my surgery to help me with my children.  My finances hasn't allowed me to be able to go visit him and he isn't strong enough to come visit me anymore.  So I am looking forward to this move.  The rest will fall into place as the Lord sees fit.  I will miss those whom I have came in contact with here in Pittsburgh but I must move on.  Wish us luck!  










 
















 

(Their smiles assures me that I am doing a damn good job!)

Whenever I began to feel down and out, I head to my Comfort Zone, which is my kitchen.  Cooking truly does comfort me.  I always enjoyed gatherings with family and friends.  Knowing that my food brings comfort into someone else's life brings joy to my soul.  When I am creating dishes I think about so much things that I have accomplished and the things that has comforted me throughout the years.  I pour those comforting memories into each recipe that I create and the ones that I experiment.  Then I add a pinch, a palm full, a teaspoon and a tablespoon of my love into each dish.  That is the secret to my delicious cooking!  ;)

Thanks to all of you who are reading a little bits and pieces of me.  I am far from perfect but I am Blessed and aim for excellence!  I hope that you stay reading my Food Blogs and more.  I truly hope that my life story will help those who feel that they cannot go on!  We can do anything that we put our mind too!  I was just telling my niece yesterday that, "You can do anything your heart desires my dear. With hard work, determination, patients and that man upstairs...all things are possible! All we have to do is believe and we shall receive! Trust in the Lord and watch him work!"  

The End!

Have a Blessed Super Bowl Sunday!  Muah!



Jill's Comfort Zone

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