BLURBS OF MY LIFETIME STORY
Hello my most faithful and valued readers! Yes, it has been a while and I am slowly finding
my way back. We have started a New Year
and forever grateful I am to amongst the living! I started this Blog back in April 2012
but never got a chance to finish it. My
life has been busy, challenging and with more ups then downs this year. Through God, I am learning how to overcome
and suppress the things that I cannot change.
Trust me it has not been easy. I
woke up this morning with so much to be Thankful for! I am Blessed to
have positive surroundings, loving people in my life and God to keep me
focus.
Today I will not be blogging about
delicious food recipes. Yet, I have an
even better recipe! A few recipes on how
to concur your fears, delete your doubts and pack away your despairs. I want to share with you pieces of my life
outside of the kitchen and what make me who I am today!
This was my FaceBook status this
morning:
"Success doesn't mean never failing
or never hitting rock bottom. Success is turning rock-bottom into a foundation
that starts building a new you! I still have a long journey ahead of me and I
am not scared of those pits awaiting me because I am a climber! And those pits
along the way that I am unable to climb out of by myself, I have some great
faithful friends and family up top with a rope ready to pull me back up!
Thankful and Purposed!"
For
the New Year (2012) I have decided that I was going to stop procrastinating and
start getting my life back! After all the
things I have been through in my life, I have never been a quitter! All the things that I would tell myself why I
could not proceed with my dreams were nonsense.
First it was, I can't go back to school because my children needed me
and I needed to work. Hmmmmm…well that
was the case when I went to Kaplan University and graduated with my Associates
Degree and I had children then. Then it
was how will I fit it all in my busy schedule and still be a good mother to my
children. I had to dismissed that as
well because isn't part of being a good mother is being a positive role
model? This is my third term at Point
Park University. It has been truly a
struggle going back to school, working full-time and raising two beautiful
young ladies by myself. One of my
biggest challenges is dealing with a teenager who thinks she has it all figured
out! Lord! Lord!
Lord! SMH! Oh my what a challenge! This too shall pass. One thing that kept me going is knowing that
I have done all that I can to provide for my family. I may not have much but I have plenty of love
to give and that's the best thing one person could have in life. I have instilled in my children the tools to
be successful in life. How they choose
to use them is up to them. All I can do
is guide them down the right path. I am
going to share my story with you in blurbs just to highlight some important
moments in my life that I've overcame.
(Getting my studying on!)
You
see, I lost my sister, mother figure, my idol, my role model and best friend on
April 5, 1995 (May she R.I.P. (Sabrina Lee (Alexander) Boyd). My sister was only 27 years old. It was such a tragic death, which I rather
not mention at this time. My whole world
shut down around me on this day and I felt so alone. I was a lost, lonely and scared 19 years
old. Oh, you could not tell that from
the outside. That was forbidden for me
to expose that I was WEAK! Oh no, not
the Jill that everyone knew. I felt that
no one could understand what I was going through so I turned to my old dear
friend, alcohol! Yeah, it was not a pretty
sight. My trust for anyone went out the
door. I could barely breathe and didn't
care about living either. I wanted to
join my sister. SMH! I know now that that was wrong and God had
much more in store for me. What kept me
going was my sister's three beautiful children but they still didn't steer me
away for the devils water. Well I should
say, I would not allow it. I was in
denial that a problem was present. Yet,
through it all I still survived. I miss
her so much and wonder what my life would be like today if she was still here with
us. I just thank God that alcohol and marijuana
was my only temporary fix to my emptiness.
So when I look back and ask myself where would I be today…WHEW!!! I am right where I want to be! A survivor!
Oh, the road was rocky but I made it!
Thanks to some real friends who had patients to deal with my ignorance
at that time I pulled through!
(My sister whom I miss dearly and her beautiful children above.)
Oh
yeah, God sent another Blessing to me, my niece, Traviseena Sabrina Taloni
McCleod (whom I call Sabrina). At the
time I thought, at 22 years old, what in the hell was I going to do with a
baby? I was living my prime time. No kids, on my own, a good job, going to
school, legal to drink and party!
Huh? OK God, what now? I don't know how to be anyone's mother and I am not ready to grow up! Well that was an understatement! Sabrina changed my chain of thoughts and set
me on a new path. Ha, 15 years later,
look at me now! I still have a lot to
learn but I did a great job for someone who did not have a clue on how to be a
mother. Shoot, I am still learning! I am leaving it in God's hands and trust that
she will find her way back on the right path.
I will be there to comfort her and help her pick up the pieces.
Of
course, in between that time, 4 and 1/2 years later, God sent me another
Blessing. I had a baby girl, Jazmire
Lavona Yeyo, at the age of 26, which was not a planned pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant I was just laid off from my job of 5 years, had to move
out of my place and had no place to go.
At the time I said, OK God, what in the hell! How am I going to raise two children with no
help? At the time, Jazmire's father was
a good provider but he did not have a job.
Hmmmm…shall I say, not a job with benefits! SMH! Once
again, I felt a lone and scared. My life
was flashing right before my eyes. This
was not how I envisioned my life to be. I was 5 months pregnant with Jazzie when 9/11
happened. I was terrified! This had to be that worse feeling ever! Right then I knew I had to snap out of this
depression and move my ass! I had to
shake off the BS and snap into reality.
Waddling in self-pity never helped nobody! I called my friend, Carmen, in Ohio and told
her I was moving back. I took the last of
my savings, rented a car, and off to OH I went to make seek for some
relief. I was about 7 months at this
time. My mom and dad frowned at the idea
of me traveling alone pregnant and with a small child. I was determined to make some sense out of
what was going on in my life. There I
was, 7 months pregnant, going on interviews and looking for a place to call
home. The drive back to NYC was
horrible! It was a bad snow blizzard…you
could barely see the road. God guided us
back home. Two weeks later, I rented a minivan
for Carmen and her boyfriend to come get us and drive us to OH. God Bless Carmen for providing us a place to
stay until we find a place. Oh, it was
something else! LOL! After being unsuccessful with finding someone
to hire a very pregnant woman, Carmen and I came up with this crazy story, and
the Salvation Army took us in until my apartment was ready for us to move in. SMH! I
was thankful that I was still getting unemployment and help from Jazmire's dad
to support us. Two months later, I was
in labor and once again, scared and alone.
This
is funny now but it wasn't back then. It
took them 5 hours to get me in that operating room. You see, I wanted to have a natural birth but
I was dehydrated, blood pressure was high and I had a fever so that was not going
to happen. So a C-Section it was going
to be. I cried and pleaded with them
that I could not have this baby alone and that I needed to call my baby
father. One of my doctors gave me her
phone to use. I could not get through so
the doctor asked for the number so she can try.
I told her the number and she replied, "Where are you trying to
call?" I said NY and she was so
angry! She called started screaming and
yelling at me saying, "LUREENA! We
do not have time for you to wait for no one to come all the way in from NYC! Are you crazy? Do you want to lose your baby and your
life? Now get your ass on this table so
we can do our job!" OMG! And yes, she actually cursed at me! I immediately stopped crying and followed her
instructions. My bundle of joy was
born. Yup, I was alone then too. Her dad showed a day later! Yes, we struggled then too and more lessons
learned. Too many to even began to
explain.
(My two Angels! I believe Jazmire was 3 months and Sabrina was 4 years old at this time.)
I
did finally get out of the shelter and move into our new home. Tried to work things out with my baby father
so we can have a two parent household but that didn't work. He did not want a real job and I'd be damned
if I was going to be working every day while you sit home on your ass! He had to go…I can do bad by my damn
self! So there I was with a 4 year old
and a 4 month old to raise by myself.
That too passed as well! I was
working full-time, going to school full-time and raising two children. Purposed!
After my apartment was broken into, along with more BS, I moved back to
NYC. Yet, feeling displaced, alone and
scared all over again.
The
girls and I had to go to a shelter again.
One night I cried myself to sleep silently while lying in bed. I just could not believe that I was in this
situation again. My sister came to me in
a dream as someone else one night. She
said, "Listen up sis! You are not
alone and there is no need to be ashamed.
You have not failed your children and this battle is not yours. Now go be the woman that I know and have
faith." I woke the next morning and
thought, "Shit, I'm in a shelter!
If I haven't lost this battle and it's not mines, who the f**k battle is
it"? I felt like I have failed my
children and was so depressed! I was still
going to school online for my Associates Degree in Legal Studies, trying to
find a job, and doing my mother duties.
Nothing my friends said mattered…I felt like a piece of s**t. Depression started settling in deeper and
deeper. I went from having everything to
hitting rock bottom. Seem like I kept
reliving the same nightmare over and over again. I went into the bathroom every night to hide
my tears from my girls after I helped them with their homework and made
dinner. That became my pattern for the
next few years. After a few months in
the shelter, I found us an one bedroom apartment. That was all I could get at the time without
a job. I continued to look for work and
kept coming up empty. I began to distant
myself from the world. I mean, I didn't
have any money, couldn't afford to look my best, couldn't do the things I once
enjoyed doing and I damn sure wasn't trying to be anyone's charity case! I refused to except anything for anyone or
ask anyone for help. I was truly embarrassed
and disguised with myself. I was so use
to be the one giving and helping that I didn't know how to ask for help. PRIDE!
Sometimes too much of that will bring you down. Ha, who was I fooling! I needed somebody in my life! My closest friends did not give up on me even
though I kept pushing them away. The
wake-up call was when my father did a surprise visit. Seeing the pain in his eyes really hurt
me. We didn't have much food to eat, I
looked a mess and although I was trying my best to hide the pain through my
laughter and smiles…he saw right through it!
We were not starving or anything but he knew that was not the way I
lived and he sure wasn't the way I was raised!
He said, "Baby girl, you know I love you right and you know you can
come to me for anything right?" I
could not reply with nothing but tears.
I felt I failed him as well. He
took me in his arms, didn't say another words for what seemed like forever and
just held me. He told me to get the kids
and myself dress. We came back home with
groceries and a heap of other stuff.
Before he left he told me, "Don't you ever sit up in here like this
again! You may feel like you don't have
anyone and that you are unloved right now.
I don't know what you are going through because you keep to yourself all
the time. YOU ARE LOVED! DO YOU HEAR ME?!" All I could do was shake my head yes and cry
like a baby. After he left, I went right
back to the same routine, depression, until finally, my friends said enough was
enough! Long story short…they pulled me
through. I realize that we all need
somebody and it wasn't about being a charity case. Through all of this, I did find someone I
thought I could trust again. Turned out
that his definition of love wasn't for my children and I. I don't need someone to control me…I control
my own destiny! You see, I have too much
pride to let someone dictate my life.
Although I was depressed, felt down, inherited trust issues and all, I
knew one thing deep down inside! I AM A
STRONG BLACK WOMAN! My MOTTO is "I
was born and leader so therefore I don't know how to follow." Damned to those who use your hurt and pain
against you. There are some cruel people
in the world. I was happy to close that
chapter of my life and move on.
(This is the man in my life (my dad). 2009)
Anyway,
throughout all my good and bad experiences in life, my two beautiful children
smiles and love guided me through it all!
I will tell you this…there is truth in the saying, "Be careful who
you share your weaknesses with. Some
people can't wait for the opportunity to use them against you." Some tried and failed!!! That was my whole reason for distancing
myself for people because I knew I was at my weakest moment. From then and on, I vowed to let anyone take
my joy from me ever again.
(I can't believe how fast the years has gone by!)
You
cannot choose your family but you can choose your circle. My circle consists of people who has never
let me down and is always around. Near
or far I can always count on them. When
I began to beat myself up for all the wrongs I felt I have done, they build me
back up by reminding me of all the rights I have done and how much I have
accomplished. Not only do they pray for
me but with me as well. I let some in
and leave a lot of others out. I never
want to go back to that depression stage again.
I thank God for the people he has brought into my life over the
years. Although Blood is thicken then
water, I have a few non-blood related people in my life who are more loving and
faithful than some of my family. Therefore,
in my book that makes them my family. I truly
love you guys to pieces. Those of you
who stood and continue to stand beside me I am forever grateful. As for the others, I will never acknowledge them. Anyone who only want to see someone fail, I
feel sorry for you and I will not waste my energy on ignorance.
I
am not doing 100 percent in school or in my life right now but I am in it to win
it! I have a lot on my plate right now but
you know what, I am going to get pass those too. I do believe that anything worth having is
worth fighting for. I could have been
anywhere yet, I am here! A proud mother I
am of two beautiful young ladies, 11 and 15 years old. They are my world and work keeps me
going. We got each other backs through
thick and thin. I could not ask for
anything better than that! I am proud of my lil divas. Sabrina has so much talent and I hope she gets back on track soon. Jazmire is doing extremely well in school. I can't complain! Currently I am planning my move to Charlotte, NC to be closer to my father and family. I haven't seen my dad since by back surgery in 2009. He came to be with me during my surgery to help me with my children. My finances hasn't allowed me to be able to go visit him and he isn't strong enough to come visit me anymore. So I am looking forward to this move. The rest will fall into place as the Lord sees fit. I will miss those whom I have came in contact with here in Pittsburgh but I must move on. Wish us luck!
(Their smiles assures me that I am doing a damn good job!)
Whenever
I began to feel down and out, I head to my Comfort Zone, which is my kitchen. Cooking truly does comfort me. I always enjoyed gatherings with family and
friends. Knowing that my food brings
comfort into someone else's life brings joy to my soul. When I am creating dishes I think about so much
things that I have accomplished and the things that has comforted me throughout
the years. I pour those comforting
memories into each recipe that I create and the ones that I experiment. Then I
add a pinch, a palm full, a teaspoon and a tablespoon of my love into each
dish. That is the secret to my delicious
cooking! ;)
Thanks
to all of you who are reading a little bits and pieces of me. I am far from perfect but I am Blessed and
aim for excellence! I hope that you stay
reading my Food Blogs and more. I truly
hope that my life story will help those who feel that they cannot go on! We can do anything that we put our mind
too! I was just telling my niece
yesterday that, "You can do anything your heart
desires my dear. With hard work, determination, patients and that man
upstairs...all things are possible! All we have to do is believe and we shall
receive! Trust in the Lord and watch him work!"
The End!
Have
a Blessed Super Bowl Sunday! Muah!
Jill's Comfort Zone
